so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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