Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I didn't notice because vodka
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
