i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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