At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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