you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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