so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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