I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I need a beard to bite.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
