I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
