pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We got so high we made milksteak
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
