It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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