He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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