I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
