I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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