Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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