its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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