OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
