thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
