So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
