i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
