my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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