Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
