this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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