So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
