Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
