Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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