grandma shit on top of the toilet
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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