Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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