The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
