Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
