My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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