i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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