Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
