I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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