i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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