someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
