If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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