He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
