i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
