I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
