she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
