I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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