He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
