I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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