Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
