i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
