The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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