we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
