I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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