I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
