so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
