Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
