Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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